PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
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If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
I need more from my antidepressant, like clean my bathrooms. Go grocery shopping. Pull your weight.
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
If snakes were wide