Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
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Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
sugar glider wrangler
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?