Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
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It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.