Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
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I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
i understand that my body can’t digest corn or whatever. that’s fine. my issue is that i f****** chewed it. how the hell is it coming out back in the shape of corn. what are they not telling us
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
🛁
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2