My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
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Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole