Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
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After how many years should you clean your microwave?
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
Brother?
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
That’s it.I’m out.
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?