Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
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my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
Don’t frighten the programmers!
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?