“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
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Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
23. the denim jacket
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”