My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
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I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!