Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
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Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.