[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
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Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
set yourself free xox
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists