ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
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No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows