When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
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A bunch of bras is called a support group.
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teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
Boeing’s commercial spacecraft will be undergoing its final test flight tonight. Knock on wood, guys! But not too hard, it’s a Boeing
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing