A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
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*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
Adultry does not sound fun at all
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked