They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
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[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
OMG 🤣🤣
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!