*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
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Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks