[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
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Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone