OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
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Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
I was hesitant to sign my kids up for martial arts classes because I was worried that they might accidentally hurt each other, but after several months of classes I’m confident that they couldn’t hurt anyone even if they tried.
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology