Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
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prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
A wee field mouse has been showing up at my door every few days for the last 2 weeks. He’s very polite. I say please go the other way, buddy! And he always does. Anyway, today my neighbor saw me telling him goodbye as he scurried off, so now I have to move.
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.