Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
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‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.