*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
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You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
I’m being attacked 😭
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
found this cool rock hiking today
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
A French press is when you hug naked
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on