My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
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Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”