Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
You Might Also Like
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra