Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
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Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.