God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
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Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
I only treason on days ending in y
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
Me, reading some of your tweets
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
barbara was highly relatable
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
Perfect
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”