What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
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“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
Just so funny
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
San Francisco has too many rules
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground