A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
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One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.