I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
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Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
u spoke cat all this time??????
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
im all 3
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.