Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
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I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
Nice try, NASA
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.