Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
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Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.