obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
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Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.