Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
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Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God