My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
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One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
going to the ER y’all need anything
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.