Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
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Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
Duolingo getting serious.
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.