They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
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FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.