4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
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me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
Alexa; make it look like an accident
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
Made something I’m not proud of