Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
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I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
A dad and his duck
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*