I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
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me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
Lmao the reply
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
Now this is how you LinkedIn
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.