Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
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mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
2
3
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9
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90Me: Nailed it.
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
Hi everyone,
Funny Tweeter is undergoing maintenance during which certain features of the site won’t be available. We’re trying to get back to normal as soon as possible. 😊
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.