Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
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Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans