God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
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[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.