[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
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dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
So inspired right now.
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different