High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
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ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
What a chick magnet..
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68fme: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here