My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
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I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age