me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
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Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
I could NOT have put it better myself.
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.