every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
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*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”