inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
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Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!