I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
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My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
Dudes wash, shampoo, condition & rinse in under three minutes while women take a shour.