{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
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It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
If only.
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.