Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
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The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
Search History:
Cat armor
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Cat jousting tournaments
How to stop armored cats
Cat army how to stop
national guard phone #
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no